I have a bee in my bonnet.

It’s been there a while now, on this particular issue, but now I just can’t be silent any longer.

It started of course, with the live-action movie, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I have not seen it, nor will I ever see it. I actually recorded it with our Tivo, but then couldn’t bring myself to actually watch it. I think that a live-action movie could be made that would be true to the original, but just from what I’ve heard, this one wasn’t it.

Various things have come to my attention since the passing of the great Theodor Geisel, otherwise known as Dr. Seuss, that have made me cringe. But this most recent takes the cake.

We have many of Dr. Seuss’ books, some of them from our own childhood, over 20 years old. When Ethan was born, our neighbor gave us Dr. Seuss’ A B C, a delightful book that goes through the entire alphabet, and one that Ethan could “read” to himself, word for word, when he was about 2 and a half. It was in circulation for bedtime stories in massive purportions about a year ago, and has since fallen out a bit. With Jocelyn getting older, I know it will probably come back into use soon.

While, of course, it is wonderful to sit and read stories to your child for bedtime, I must admit, that I used to try to get Ethan to pick a different book, because this one is pretty lengthy. It has paper numbered pages, and I think there are more than 40 pages total. Especially in the beginning which has,

“Big A,
little a.
A.. a.. A..”

on the first pages, then have to turn to read and see,

“Aunt Annie’s Alligator,
A.. a.. A.”

He speeds it up after the first few letters and has the letter’s introduction and then the stuff for the letter all on the same page.

“Big G,
little g,
G.. g.. g.

Goat, girl,
Goo-goo goggles,
G.. g.. G.”

The illustration is on the opposite page, so you have 2 pages per letter (except for the first few letters, which is 4 pages per letter). Then you turn the page and read about H.

You are turning the pages pretty quickly of course, but still, it’s a good 5-10 minute read as opposed to Byron Barton’s Trains book, which is a minute, maybe two to read through. (Great one btw, still in bedtime circulation.)

Anyway, this is all background that brings you to me, at Costco Saturday morning, browsing through the books, when I hit upon Dr. Seuss’ “A B C”, and “Hop on Pop” in a large board book format. Very cool, because Jocelyn still rips paper pages on occasion, and I like the sturdy non-destructible kind. I open it up and glance at a few pages and not only is it a board book, but it appears to have condensed some of the page turning by putting 2 letters on one page, and 2 more on the opposite page – this appeals to me, because of the aforementioned tons of pages, so after debating about whether to get “A B C” or “Hop on Pop” I tossed “A B C” in, because it will mostly be read by Jocelyn at this point, and “Hop on Pop” is mostly read by Ethan, who can be gentle with the paper pages. I also get “Pokey Little Puppy” which is a classic children’s book, but I haven’t actually read it before. I’ve just found that if you’re going to come home with new books, better have one per child.

Blah, anyway, so I get home and show them both the new books I bought, and later settle in to read it to them. It doesn’t dawn on me right away, but this version of “A B C” is DIFFERENT, in more ways than mere layout.

FOR EXAMPLE!

Now, maybe this really is a small thing and I’m blowing it way out of proportion. But to me, it seems like the whimsy and wonderfulness THAT IS SEUSS, is taking out of the changed version. It’s just lacking some of the original nonsensical essence. What fun Ethan and I had exclaiming at the top of our lungs, “ker-CHOO!!!!!” If I were to keep this version (oh, like THAT would happen. Maybe when they’re serving up milkshakes IN HELL) Jocelyn would never know that sipping six sodas could make you SICK SICK SICK!

It just makes me sad. It’s that same sadness I feel when I watch the original muppet shows and movies. I think that Henson Jr. is doing a pretty good job at keeping his dad’s legacy alive, with minor wrong turns here and there, but sometimes I wish everyone inheriting the rights to their spouse’s or parent’s art would just LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE and let it end with them. We didn’t need Mike Myers being the Cat in the Hat, we didn’t need kermit to be a SECONDARY CHARACTER in the Muppet’s Christmas Carol (hell, we didn’t need a story that WASN’T ORIGINAL. Did you understand your father AT ALL?) and we didn’t need Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

I can understand why one might want his work translated to the big screen for a new generation to enjoy. I can kind of understand merchandising of his illustrations into other fields.

But I CANNOT understand how and why ANYONE EVER would want to take the “ker-CHOO” out of the A B C book. Seriously. It makes me want to cry.

WOWEE CHRISTMAS CAME AND WENT AND BOY WAS IT FUN

I feel like I need to do catchup on all the stuff that’s been going on since I last posted. Obviously, Christmas came and went. It was really wonderful. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Last Friday I got to thinking about the weekend and decided I didn’t really want to be bothered going to a WW meeting Saturday morning, so I went to one close to my work during lunch. I had a very exciting loss. The bad side of course is the last week has been all Christmasy and staying at home and generally I do rather poorly during holidays and also when I’m at home. So today and tomorrow I’m really trying to get back on track to hopefully maintain that loss, or at least not gain it ALL back. Guess we’ll see Saturday morning.

Saturday morning (Christmas Eve Day!) Ethan and I went out to do some errands and get the Christmas present for James that I had inadvertently not ordered. Ethan was happy that it was a copy of Jarhead on unabridged CD, and thus, he got to play with the Thomas trains at Barnes and Noble for a little bit.

We had a pleasant afternoon making cookies (Chocolate Crinkles) for Santa and playing with the kids. Then night fell, and after waiting an hour to make sure everyone was asleep, the Great Christmas Eve Tryst began. You know, the tryst that every parent makes with their spouse on Christmas Eve, the tryst of putting together all the things that need to be put together, wrapping the presents that still need wrapping, getting everything down under the tree, and NOT forgetting to eat or at least put away the cookies and milk for Santa (we forgot last year. Luckily no one noticed). We were pooped by midnight. James did the brunt of the putting together work however. Maybe next year we should do it earlier, LIKE I SUGGESTED WE DO several nights before. Ahem. Not that I’m bitter or anything. It’d just be nice to have a relaxing Christmas Eve.

Christmas morning I was half awake when I heard the click of Ethan’s door opening and closing as he made his way to the bathroom. After I heard the toilet flush, I propped myself up to check out our door to make sure he didn’t go down the stairs. He started to, but I called him and he came running in and did a whole running flying tackle thing onto our bed. Well, it SEEMS like he did, but he had to climb up the bed first and THEN he did the flying tackle thing over to the head of the bed, where we were. He snuggled in with us for a while while we waited for any signs of life from Jocelyn, and then we all made our way downstairs for Christmas.

It was at this point I realized that we only had like 10 minutes on the tape in our camcorder, as I taped the kids coming into the living room and seeing the little tikes play kitchen that was all set up.

James looked everywhere for more tapes but none were to be had, so I stopped rolling tape and we switched to the camera instead. While I’m disappointed, because when I’m old and they’re all grown I know I’m going to want to see this and FEEL the excitement of the 3 and 1 year olds on Christmas morning. Photos are always nice, but video is better for really feeling it. BUT on the other side, it’s hard to enjoy Christmas when you have to pay attention to the camera. I think maybe setting it up in a corner on a tripod might be the way to go next year. Of course, that’s only if we actually HAVE A TAPE TO TAPE IT ON. Later on we discovered we did not have any AAA or C batteries in the house. I scrounged some out of other older, and thus not important toys to put in the new toys. However, given the amount of toys that were opened, the ratio to those needing batteries and those which came with batteries already installed was actually pretty good.

It was a nice Christmas morning. Not really marred by the fact that the cinnamon rolls I made didn’t turn out at all. I made them the night before, put them in the dish, and then covered with saran wrap and stuck them in the fridge to bake the next morning. They just didn’t seem to want to get “done”, each time I pulled them out they were still doughy. Next year I’m not killing myself making cinnamon rolls from scratch, we’ll just buy the damn things and heat them up for Christmas morning. In my family, we always had homemade bran date muffins, which sounds nasty, but actually was super yummy. But not as yummy as cinnamon rolls, so I cast my own family traditions to the wayside to go with James’ family traditions. Cough. Hey, yumminess wins, what can I say.

POST-CHRISTMAS EVENTS

Monday was a day off of work for both of us, but Tuesday and Wednesday James went back to work while I stayed home, and now today (Thursday) and tomorrow, I work while James stays home. Jocelyn’s day care provider is on vacation this week, thus the staying at home. And while Ethan’s school is open, if Jocelyn is home might as well have Ethan home also. It has been really nice staying home with them. I don’t know if this JUST happened, like it FEELS like it happened, or it’s been gradual and I just haven’t noticed, but Jocelyn is just becoming such a sweet little PERSON. (This is where I probably will launch into Cute Kid Stories, just so you are warned.) She understands so much of what we’re saying, and while she doesn’t string more than 2 words together yet, she is starting to really get this communication thing down and is so pleased with herself for doing so as well.

I remember when Ethan was her age and was just starting to talk a lot, his stock phrase was, “Maybe later.” – And WHAT A BLESSING that it was, because you do not know HELL until you have to take away a toy or try to explain why you can’t go to the bookstore and play with the train table there and then put up with the fit that ensues. With Ethan, he just seemed to latch onto that concept, that sure, I may not be able to do it now, but there is always later, and he was always saying, “Maybe later!” to my, “Not right now,” and oh what a boon that was.

Well, Jocelyn’s stock phrase is definitely, “That’s better.” She says it all the time, whenever anything happens that pleases her. She is on the floor, “Up peas! Up peas!” and I pick her up, and she looks around and states, “Dat’s better.” I am really drilling the manners thing into her. It was only recently that she started to actually say, “Please” instead of just throwing a fit when she wanted something, and I try to NOT give her whatever it is she wants, until she communicates that she wants it. This makes for some unpleasant times if she doesn’t want to say it, but would rather throw herself on the floor with the Jocelyn Volume turned all the way up to “Burst Eardrums,” but generally, it seems to be working out well.

CUTE KID STORIES OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MIGHT AS WELL GET THIS UNDER THE PROPER HEADING ALREADY

Here is a list of cuteness I have observed or participated in recently:

• Jocelyn has an intolerance to dairy. She gets all snotty and sickly if she has milk proteins. Ethan was the same way, but outgrew it by the time he was 18 months old. Jocelyn still hasn’t outgrown it, and as such, has soy milk instead of cow milk. So, it’s fairly important that she not drink out of Ethan’s sippy cup. We let Ethan have soy milk whenever he wants. Anyway, so in the sippy cup department, we have purple and pink cups and lids, as well as green, blue, yellow, and one ghastly orange cup. So being a girl, of course we give Jocelyn some purple and/or pink in her cup and/or lid so we’ll be able to know which one is hers. I have never been all that much of a pink sort of person, and I’m always grumpy when I get her cup ready for the day. I mean really, she should have blue if she wants! Or yellow! Who are these nazis who decide what colors are girly and which are not??! Ahem. Anyway. So the other day, I got her a purple cup and purposefully put a blue lid on it. It’s got purple in it, right? Right! Good enough, dammit!So, the morning goes on, and I catch Jocelyn picking up her (full!) cup, and walking over to Ethan. “Here, Ethan.” I try to correct her, and tell her that it’s HER cup, but she will have nothing of it, and keeps “giving” Ethan the cup. She apparently totally knows which colors are hers and which ARE NOT, and she will not bring cup to lips that do not have pink or purple lids, by george!
• Still on the sippy cups, but different story. Jocelyn loves to pick things up and bring them to you. Even if you didn’t want them. It’s something to do with this age. Also interesting, it’s the same age that she would rather pick something up herself rather than take it from your hand. Case in point, I had a bread stick and broke some of it off and offered it to her, to an immediate protest of, “NOOOOOOOO!” – but when I laid it on her plate in front of her, she picked it right up and crammed the entire thing in her mouth. Ain’t development kooky?

  Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah! So Jocelyn picks up Ethan’s cup and brings it over to him. Ethan is otherwise engaged and didn’t particularly care if his cup was brought to him or not, and barely notices. Jocelyn puts the cup on the couch in front of him and turns to face him. “Dankooo” (jocelyn-speak for “thank you”) she says to him. “Dankoo!” She repeats. “DANKOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” She says again, until I realize that she is WAITING for him to say thank you! She is DEMANDING IT! “DANKOOOOOO!!!!” she hollers at him again, and I have to give Ethan a gentle, “Tell her thank you for crying out loud!” which he does and then she grins and trots merrily off. It was pretty funny.

• Especially when Jocelyn was a baby and couldn’t do any talking for herself, I’ve often referred to her to Ethan, as “our girl”. She would roll over, and I’d say to Ethan, “What is our girl DOING!” to get him engaged in the situation. It has dropped off more and more as she’s grown older and I’ve just used her name instead. The other day, Ethan had come downstairs after waking up from nap time and was playing with his train. Sounds of “HI! HI!” started to emanate from the baby monitor connected to her room. Ethan said to me without looking up from the train, “It sounds like our girl is awake, Mommy!”
• I bought a new plastic bin with a lid to keep Ethan’s GeoTrax train stuff in. I bought an extra one cause I thought it was especially nifty and knew we could use another one for something somewhere. So I brought them in from the car when I bought them and they were hanging out in the family room for most of the day yesterday. The bin height is exactly at crotch level for Jocelyn, which means she can climb into it fairly easily. Ethan was climbing in and out of one of them immediately, so Jocelyn decided to give it a try as well. She climbed in and out of that bin for EASILY a half hour, totally involved in the process of swinging her leg over and bracing herself and then getting her other leg in and sitting down. Then standing up and doing it all over again.

  Even more amusing is even AFTER she’s done it 20 or so times, she started to get all anxious at that point when she has placed one leg over, and her foot hasn’t quite touched the bottom of the bin and she starts to feel all, “oh no i MIGHT lose my balance and why was i doing this in the first place????!” and starts to “Uh! Uh! Uh!” about the situation until there we go, her foot hits the bottom of the bin and her hands are firmly placed on the bin’s sides and then she’s in (“Dat’s better.”) and she lowers her little bottom down and kind of slides until she’s almost laying down inside the bin. Then she looks over at me and says, “HI! Mommy! HI! LOOK! FEETSIES! HI!” and then temporarily freaks out as she tries to get upright again even though she has already done it successfully the last 30 zillion times without any help, manages to get up, and then does it all again another fifty zillion times.

• Ethan doesn’t quite know the meaning of some words, despite parental issued corrections. He will interchange other words for the actual word he means. In his head, it means what the other word means.
  • “Last night” is code for anything that happened in the past.In addition to this, I think he thought that nap time was actually nighttime, and after nap time it was a new day. He loves to get dressed, and he usually comes down from nap time in a new set of clothes, even when I tell him he doesn’t need to change clothes. So sometimes he’ll make a reference to “Last night” when he actually means “this morning”. It’s actually a little scary, because he thought that he was actually staying overnight at his school, with the whole nap time = nighttime = new day thing. This is how I actually realized his misconception. It’s tough, because everything in the past is already “last night”, but he referred to something as “yesterday” and when I tried to correct him, he was really adamant and to explain, told me that it was before nap time, therefore, yesterday. We’re working on correcting this issue.
  • “Anything” actually means “nothing” or sometimes, “something”. Same thing for “anywhere” and “nowhere”.

    James: “Whatcha looking for Ethan?”
    Ethan, all trying to be sneaky and hide his true objective: “Anything.”

    Amy: “Where did your hot dogs go?”
    Ethan: “Anywhere! – Just kidding mommy, they’re in my tummy!”

• That last example reminded me of something Ethan did once. It was a while ago (like, probably over 6 months ago) but I believe it went something like this:

  Mommy: Where did your dinner go?
  Ethan: It went in my mouth, and down my throat, and into my tummy!
  Mommy: It sure did!
  Ethan: And then it went down my legs! Into my toes!
  Mommy: It did not!
  Ethan: It did too! And then it went to my bottom and I poop it out!
  Mommy: Well at least that part is right.

  I belive at this point, Daddy pointed out that if you get technical it DOES go to his legs and his toes and everywhere.

• Last night it was my turn to put Jocelyn to bed, and they had had baths just before. I had Jocelyn in her room, and James was still getting Ethan out of the tub and bundled into a towel. We heard him pull the plug in the tub, and could hear the gurgling water going down the drain noises. Jocelyn heard it, and stopped what she was doing to sing, “BYE BYE POOP!! BYE BYE WEE!”

On Tuesday, I took down the tree. FIrst of all, it was not a good tree to begin with. It was CROOKED.

I never did post about the day that it FELL OVER due to it’s crookedness and *cough* our inability to get it into the stand straight. So one morning it totally just fell over. Also, I let it go dry for too long and once that stump gets all dried out no amount of watering is going to get moisture to those needles and if they’re dry they fall off and that’s that. So I was looking at our sad tree, no presents underneath anymore to direct one’s attention there, and no presents to cover up the MASSES of needles that had fallen off. So with some “help” from the kids, we stripped it of ornaments and lights, and I hauled it into the garage to await trash day. It took my three separate vacuumings to get all the needles up, because about 3 bucketfuls had dropped in the de-decorating of the tree. Plus tons of itty bitty branchlets that were too big to just vacuum up and therefore had to be picked up by hand. The kids actually were a very good help at picking those up and putting them in the trash. Ethan used his new garbage truck to “collect” them and then “dump” them into the trash.

So our tree is down, which makes more room for GeoTrax Train Setups Extraordinaire! I took some action shots.

The timeless “My Little Pony On The Tracks” dilemma.

I think I’ve inflicted enough word-pain on anyone reading this today, so I will stop. It was a nice holiday. This weekend, I may send out year-end cards. If I remember.

– amy brings her face close to yours and gives you a great big “MMMMMMMMMWAH!!!!”

Well, I’ve uploaded Christmas pictures.

Lessons Learned From Christmas:

1. Check to make sure you have plenty of camcorder tape. Preferably more than 10 minutes, because you know, Christmas morning lasts longer than 10 minutes.
2. Get batteries. Even though you THINK you have every battery size known to man in multiple quantities from costco, just get some anyway, because you don’t really.

ON TO THE PICTURES!

Christmas Day

Christmas Day Slide Show

Lately, Jocelyn likes to exclaim, “STUCK!” and then get whatever it is free, and say, “Dat better.”

It’s especially cute when she isn’t stuck in the least. Like when she stopped on top of the toy box lid and shouted at the top of her lungs, “STUCK! STUCK! STUCK! STUCK!” only to hop off and say, “Dat better!!”

My mother always said, “Don’t argue with a three-year old.”

She was usually talking about my older brother(s) at the time, but still, I got her point.

But now that I actually HAVE a three-year old, I REALLY understand. You JUST CANNOT WIN. It doesn’t matter that facts are on your side. It doesn’t matter that your child USED to have a sense of logic (or at least listened to you and accepted your word as The Truth no matter what). What matters is, what HE THINKS IS TRUE IS TRUE DAMMIT.

Let me give you some examples.

We have a great children’s CD, “No!” by They Might Be Giants. Even if you don’t think you know their work, you really do. You just don’t know you do. Kind of like Danny Elfman in that regard, to a lesser degree.

Anyway what was I talking about? Oh right. The CD. It’s in my car pretty much always, and we listen to it on the way to school and from school to home. Track three features a song called “Robot Parade”, which James has always said is his favorite. Well, I think around the middle of the summer, Ethan decided that it is his favorite. And therefore, it cannot be anyone else’s favorite.

This is our conversation in the car when the robot song comes on:

Ethan: It’s the ROBOT SONG! This is my favorite. It isn’t daddy’s favorite. It’s ALL MINE.
Me: No, honey, this is daddy’s favorite song too. You can both have the VERY SAME FAVORITE SONG! It makes it even more special.
Ethan: No, Daddy’s favorite is the bed song. And Jocelyn’s favorite is the clap song. And your favorite is the tree house song!

Another argument with a three-year-old:

Me: Just think Ethan, it’s only 5 more days until Christmas.
Ethan: No, mommy, it’s FOUR!
Me: No, I’m pretty sure it’s five more days. It might even be six.
Ethan (working on holding up his fingers): No mommy, it’s THIS MANY DAYS! (holding up three)
Me: Well, when we get home we’ll check the calendar and see.

I was worn down at that point and just gave up. The urge to continue the argument is there, because you have the COLD HARD FACTS on your side, but little sway do they have. Even though you are in the right, you must submit. Maybe politicians should be required to spend some time arguing with three year olds just to learn how to compromise and submit – even when they don’t want to (and/ or think the facts are on their side).

Another Ethan conversation:

Ethan: I’m getting so big mommy. I’m getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and the little hole is all gone now! From the snot!
Me: The snot?
Ethan: No, the SHONT!
Me, totally confused: The shont?
Ethan: Yes, the shont!
Me: Honey, I don’t understand what you’re saying. Where did you get this hole?
Ethan: It was a little hole, and it hurt, and she pushed it down. And it hurt all day long. And then I got bigger, and it’s gone now! It doesn’t hurt any more!
Me (seriously wondering and vaguely worried): It hurt? Who pushed it down?
Ethan: Our new doctor! She pushed it down and it was a little hole. And now I’m so big I don’t need any more shots!

He was referring to the flu shot he got last weekend. Jeez, mom get with it already!
—

It is really fascinating how his mind works sometimes. I should really bring a little tape recorder or something in the car with me because I am SO not doing his train of thought justice.

Of course, being so close to Christmas and all, he’s totally fixated on that. About 10 minutes after we had put him to bed a few nights ago, I heard him talking in his room, so I peeked in. He was singing “Santa Claus is coming to town”. Too cute. He also likes to sing it as well as Jingle Bells while he’s on the can.

Total side note: I got Ethan these toddler wipes that are just like normal baby wipes but are in a cute toddler friendly container. I got them because I’m tired of him hollering, “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Come wipe come wipe!” from across the house because he doesn’t want to wipe his own ass. Maybe with these toddler wipes, he’ll wipe his OWN ass! Well, since we got them, he has been hopping up on the potty to poop ALL THE TIME, instead of the constant reminders we have to give him lest all the poop building up in his backside EXPLODE OUT OF HIS BUTT IN A DESPERATE BID FOR FREEDOM killing everyone in it’s wake. So this morning, I left him alone to poop per his instructions (“Leave me alone mommy. Go outside.”) and when I came back, he had left the BIGGEST MAN-SIZED POOP in the toilet that I was totally flabbergasted. He poops EVERY DAY now! HOW could he have had that much poop in him? And HOW GOD HOW could he have ever pooped it out?!! Seriously. I don’t think -I- have ever pooped that big. I’m still boggling.

We’ve had issues with Ethan behaving in school. There’s no question that the boy needs a firm hand when it comes to discipline, or he’ll take advantage of it. So while not directly, I have been playing up the whole, “Santa only brings toys to little boys that make GOOD CHOICES AND IS NICE TO THEIR FRIENDS!” aspect of it all, and while I talk, it really does seem like it’s going in one ear and out the other.

Until yesterday, he told me that Santa Claus came to his school. Fishing information out of Ethan is no easy task, let me tell you.

Ethan: Santa Claus came to my school.
Me: Really! (thinking, oh they must have had someone dress up and come in)
Ethan: Yes!
Me: What was he WEARING?
Ethan: He was wearing ALL RED! Just like my favorite color!
Me: Wow, that must have been great! Did he have his big bag of toys?
Ethan: Nooooooooo.
Me: He must have left it at home.
Ethan: Or on his SLEIGH! (the kid knows about the sleigh!!! I don’t know why I’m boggling, he’s seen the Polar Express enough times to know about it by now, but still!)
Me: How does Santa get his sleigh up in the air?
Ethan, thinking it over for a minute: With his REINDEER!!!
Me: That’s right! So what did Santa do when he was at your school?
Ethan, getting a little quieter: He watched us.
Me: He watched you?
Ethan: Mmmhmmm.
Me: Did he talk to you?
Ethan: Nope. He just watched us.
Me: Aha.

At this point, I let it drop because it is my guess that there was nobody dressing up and visiting his school.. He just knows that Santa is “watching”, and thus, this story. It’s cute, and scary all at the same time. James expressed his belief that we’re raising a conspiracy theorist who’s going to be nervous about Big Brother all the time.

He’s obviously thinking about Christmas and the presents a lot, because one night, I wrapped up the slippers (in green wrapping paper) that they’re going to get to open on Christmas eve, and set them at the top of the stairs to take down the next morning. He of course saw them and bombarded me with questions, and insisted on putting them down under the tree. DAYS later, we were in the car coming home, and in the middle of his running dialogue stated, “And it’s GREEN!” I had no idea what he was talking about, but at the same time I just KNEW he was talking about those two presents, and sure enough, next he said, “And it’s for me! And the other green one is for Jocelyn!”

Sometimes it’s hard to decide whether Christmas is better as a kid, or as an adult experiencing it with kids 🙂 Since I’m here, now, I’m going to go with the “as an adult” scenario. You know when you see something super cute, like kittens or puppies or little newborn baby bottoms or a baby horse standing for the first time and you just have to go “awwwwww!”? James always used to say that he felt it in his chin. Like if he saw something cute, he would feel the cute feeling in his chin. I never quite got that. Maybe it’s because if you go, “awwwwwwww!” and then still have that “oh it’s so adorable” frowny smile on your face, your chin does feel a little weird. Maybe that is why he pinpointed the chin as the source of all cute-adorable feelings.

Well, my chin is definitely feeling all the cuteness around here.

Happy Cute Chin Feeling!

And this isn’t even their cutest.

Boys Costlier Than Girls

Damn boys and their damn toys!

This could be true for grownups too.

I’m just saying!

Last night after I put the kids to bed, I was sitting wallowing and watching Gilmore Girls when Jocelyn started talking/singing/mumbling to herself in her crib. My laptop was right next to the monitor so I quickly recorded it for posterity.

Jocelyn in her crib after bedtime.

I really shouldn’t be allowed to write blog entries when my state of mind is below a certain percentage of happiness. (Percentage of happiness? Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to write blog entries at all! Good grief!) I’m doing better today with taco bell in my tummy and some caffeine flowing through my veins.

Good enough to at least relate a few cute kid stories before they fade from memory into oblivion.

Cute Kid Story #1: Kid – Ethan:

I picked Ethan up from school last Friday, after being out of school from Tuesday-Friday due to the ear infection/pink eye situation. Well, often we’re driving along and due to the car noise/radio noise/Ethan not speaking up, I don’t understand what he’s talking about. This is where the token, “Ahhhh.” gets used a lot, although I usually try to save that for when I’m hopelessly lost and he can’t make himself clear. Like when he’s gesturing. In the car. While I’m driving and thus can’t see him. And I can’t make him stop:

me: “Like what honey?”
ethan: “Like this mommy.”
me: “I can’t see you dear, I’m driving.”
ethan: “LIKE THIS!!!!!!!” (flailing going on behind my seat)
…
me: “Ahhhh.”

Anyway, so we’re driving, and Ethan is going on about something hurting and his sleeve. I don’t follow what he’s saying at all, but he’s talking so animatedly and he really wants me to understand, so I give it a try.

me: “What was that again Ethan?”
ethan: “I went like this, and then it hurt a little bit.”
me: “You went like what?”
ethan: “Like THIS!”
me: “Honey, I can’t see you while I’m driving, what motion are you making?”
ethan: “I wiped it with my sleeve!”
me: “Ahh, and it hurt?”
ethan: “Yes, it hurt, so we’ll need some Awctelmufflemuffle.”
me: “Some what?”
ethan: “Some muffletermfomuffle.”
me: “I can’t hear you honey, what do we need? Octoform?”
ethan: “No, OCTERMFUR!”
me: “Octermfur?”
(pause)
ethan: “Say Ahhhhh-”
me: “Ahhhh..”
ethan: “Tuhhhh-”
me: “Tuh..”
(at this point he goes into many many syllables that had no relation to the original word, and it was so damn cute I nearly pulled the car over to hug him.)
ethan: “Nerr-”
me: “Nerr..”
ethan: “FORM!”
me: “form?”
ethan: “Oct-oh-form!”
me: “Aha. Octoform.”
ethan: “Yes, we’ll need it to make it feel better.

Non-kid-having people may not realize the cuteness of this exchange, but when you’ve sounded out a ZILLION difficult to pronounce words for your child, then having him sound out a word for YOU is just about the most darling thing ever. I still had no idea what he was talking about however, but then I realized it was AQUAPHOR!!! This is a vaseline type ointment that we put on his lips when they get chapped, or more often, the area of skin between nose and lips that he bites on all day and makes sore and red. The little cutie was informing me that he needed some aquaphor for his face. All together now, “Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!”

Cute Kid Story #2: Child – Jocelyn:

Jocelyn can say a lot of words, and many of them are crystal clear. Drink. Nummies. Daddy. Mommy. Story. LOFTY! and I think her favorite, “Uh-huh.” She usually answers questions by the “Uh-huh.” or just a shake of her head.

Well, on Sunday we were sitting around in the family room watching something on tv. Mommy and Daddy are pretty much beat, since we’ve been hassling with our crooked tree (OH MY I haven’t told you about our crooked tree. Well I smell another update tomorrow.) Other parents know well the intricate process of trying to get their partner to deal with the little kid things that need dealing with such as refilling the drink, getting the toy down from the high surface, and the ever dreaded, changing of the diaper.

So it was while trying not to make eye contact with James that the following ensued.

Jocelyn picks up her sippy cup of soy milk and discovers that it is empty. She comes over to me and informs me, “Drink!” while putting the cup in my lap.

“Is your drink all-gone? OK, go give it to Daddy, and he’ll fill it up!” I try to hand her her cup back.

She obviously does NOT want the cup back, she wants ME to fill it, and she glances over at Daddy to see if he’ll do. Deciding the answer is definitely in the negative, she turns back to me, shoves the cup back toward me, and says “No.”

That’s it. That’s the story. Just a plain, “No,” but damn James and I hooted with laughter. And then James hooted some more as I had to get up and get her drink myself.

Cute Kid Story #3: Child – Ethan:

Also on Sunday, Ethan was downstairs after a very brief stint in his room doing lots of not-napping, while Jocelyn was in her room, napping. Naptime drew to a close and soon sounds of non-napping activity could be heard over the monitor.

me: “Sounds like someone is awake up there.”
ethan: “No, there’s NO ONE making all that noise up there!”
me: “Really? No one? Then where is all that noise coming from?”
ethan: “I don’t know, I can’t tell anybody!” (he says this a lot, either when he doesn’t remember or doesn’t’ want to get into it, “what did you do at school today, ethan?” “I don’t know, I can’t tell anybody!” – he nearly sings it, the booger)
me: Well, I think we’d better go up and see who’s making all that racket.”
ethan: “OK! Let’s go see! I bet it’s Ethan up there! I think Ethan is up there in Jocelyn’s crib making all that racket!”

???

– the mind boggles at what these kids think of.

Cute Kid Story #4: Kid – Ethan:

Another driving story.

But first some preface.

When Ethan was younger, I found storytelling a good way to enforce things we were trying to teach him. For example, there was a time period when he LOVED to take off his clothes. Including his diaper. He was also not potty trained at this time. If he then discovered something IN his diaper, he would proceed to play with it. Let’s just say the ensuing scene was NOT PRETTY. We called it “E cubed” – Ethan’s Excrement Extravaganza. Paint came off the walls from all the scrubbing.

Anyway, at bedtime, I would often tell Ethan a story, and I’d always start it, “Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Ethan.” And I would go through his day emphasizing the good choices he made (“and while Ethan was in bed for naptime, he remembered NOT to rip the pages of his book! And when his mommy came in, she was so proud!”), and the bad choices he made and the consequences there of, and generally I think they were pretty helpful to him, plus, he LOVES to hear stories about himself. Well, I still tell him stories, but instead of trying to stick a hidden “BE GOOD DAMMIT!” message in there, I vary it up. I have told him about how his Pookie Bear was once MY bear, when I was a little girl. I also told him the story about when he was born, scary gorey details of being cut open for the birth glossed over lightly.

SO! Back to the actual story. Yesterday after I’d picked Ethan up from school, we were driving home and he had his Pookie Bear with him. It had fallen on the floor.

ethan: “Mommy could you get my Pookie Bear?”
me: “Sure honey” (reaches around dislocates shoulder gives bear to boy)
ethan: “I just love Pookie Bear. He is the best bear ever!”
me: “He is! I love Pookie Bear too!”
ethan: “He used to be your bear Mommy. When I was just in your tummy. But then I decided to come out, and I came out in TWO minutes. And now Pookie Bear is ALL MINE!” (hugs Pookie Bear ferociously)

I had to call James and tell him that one. Especially about the 2 minutes part. If only. Obviously, he’s gotten these two stories mixed up somewhere. I just hope Pookie Bear wasn’t in there with him, in my tummy.

I tried to straighten him out, but it didn’t go well.

me: “Actually honey, Pookie Bear was my bear when I was just a little girl like you, before you were born. Before you were in my tummy. Even before Jocelyn was born or in my tummy.”
ethan: “No mommy, Jocelyn was in DADDY’S tummy.” This said with much attitude. Don’t you know anything mom? JEEZ!
me: (through the trying not to laugh) “No, Jocelyn was never in Daddy’s tummy, honey. Boys don’t have babies, only girls.”
ethan: “No, Jocelyn was in Daddy’s tummy, and I was in your tummy! Boys have boy babies and girls have girl babies!”

IF ONLY!!!!!

And we’re done with today’s episode of cute kid stories. Back to your regularly scheduled Tuesday.

amy is going to bring back “My sainted Aunt Fanny!” as the exclamation du jour.

Very quick weekend summary:

• -1.0 lbs. Yay! There’s more to this story, but I shall sum it up this way: Always pee before weighing in.
• The southern living party went well – a couple of friends read my blog on Friday and then did a supriseroo and attended! Awwww shucks. Thanks guys. I’ll never invite you to one of these things again. EVER! I shall also not have a pity party for myself cause now I feel like I guilted them into it. Well, at least I’ll wait on the pity party until it’s over.
• I have pink eye. No doubt, caught from my son. Little impromptu poll on the situation.
  • Should I use my son’s prescription drops for me as well and don’t bother going to the doctor?
  • Should I use my son’s drops until I can get to the doctor and get my own prescription?
  • Should I not use my son’s drops and wait til I get my own prescription from the doctor?

  I won’t say what I’m doing. But I’m just interested in seeing what people think. I wish I knew how to do an actual poll, but you all will just have to write comments. Poor you. Suffering from my lack of technology. Well, I don’t lack the technology, I just lack the motivation. I am lazy.

That’s all for now, except to say that it’s supposed to snow tonight. I love snow. Also, if the government declares that it is closed, I also don’t have to go to work! And I get to charge the day to client leave (as opposed to having to use vacation). GO SNOW!

OOh – also, remind me to tell you the 2 cute kid stories that happened over the weekend. The one with Ethan in the car, and the one with Jocelyn and the milk. Oooh, also Ethan and the napping Jocelyn.

To all those desparately awaiting the answer to the relative hard or softness of Plantation Lane… The judge knelt, felt, and proclaimed it to be hard. This was some time after the initial conversation, so unfortunately, the amount of interest in the road’s hardness had cooled considerably. In fact, he was a little confused why I was draggin him out into the road, and even expressed concern for getting hit by a car. As if his mother would let him get hit by a car! Now feel the road, dammit, the Internet wants to know!!

UNFORTUNATELY, the ride after the feeling of the car was hellish in OH so many ways. First, as soon as we were in the car, Ethan started to list several complaints about his body. In fact, he wasn’t even complaining, just informing me.

“Mommy, my ears hurt.”

DING DING DING DING!

“I’m coughing a lot, Mommy.”

“My eye is all goopy, Mommy.

Kid, you had me at “my ears hurt.”

I had the doctor on the phone, a SAINT of a woman whom I now love and adore more than anything. I asked if we could come in, and on hearing the affirmatived, informed her we’d be there in 20 minutes, about how long it takes to get from Ethan’s school to the doctor.

There are basically 2 exits off of 66 to get to our abode, and one of the exits have 2 routes one could take. So all in all, 3 possible ways to get to the main street that has all the developments on it. We took one route. It was WAY backed up by an accident, so then I, so cunningly, so COYLY, scootched over to a backroad which would take me around all the traffic, PAST the accident, and sail us on down to the main drag. All that intrigue, and it was for NAUGHT. The accident, snafu, whatever it was, was still past where we came out, and the cop directing traffic was turning EVERYONE AROUND. Including us.

I will spare you all the rest, but basically, it took us an hour to get to the doctor, with a stop to “water the grass” (IN THE RAIN!! I made sure we were standing DOWNWIND) and a stop to fill the gas tank (No euphemisms there, we really had to fill up with gas, it just sounded like it was slang for something nasty and dirty, but it wasn’t! totally clean here!)

So, finally, at the doctor’s office (who WAITED FOR US, BLESS HER HEART!) we discovered that Ethan was on sick boy.

Ear infection. Conjunctivitis (that’s pink eye, folks) (apparently, these two things often go hand in hand. Who knew? Not me.) Swollen glands. Swollen tonsils. Sore throat. Snotty snotty snotty nose. Slight fever.

My poor boy. After spending forever in the car, and then visiting the doctor, we then wended our way to Target and settled in to wait for his prescriptions to be filled, which was really starting to put him way past his bedtime. Then home, a snack, medicine, eye drops, and bedtime.

Anyway. I spent yesterday at home with Ethan, and James stayed with him today. I couldn’t today, because I got *cough* had to go to DC for some more training, and thus.. sigh… hand to forehead, I just HAD to go to perfect pita. Damn I love that place. I also finally met up with a friend of mine from the place where I temped for a month, and that was nice too. She’s the kind of gal who even when we first met, it seemed like we’d known each other for years, and we talk and the time zips by until I have to skedaddle back to training or be LATE!

Ethan seemed a lot better tonight, still a lot of coughing, and now it has turned all wheezy, which I wonder if I should be concerned about or not. His eye is much better as well. Tomorrow, BACK TO SCHOOL!

I’ll try to update again tomorrow, because this weekend, I am hosting another dreaded party, this time, of the Southern Living at Home, variety. This time, it looks like it’s not going to be that great of a showing, either, which makes me wish the earth would crack open and swallow me up, because you know, throwing a party and having no one come is never a happy thing. Ugh. I’ll be so glad when it’s over. I’m never doing one of these again.

EVER.

amy melts in your mouth, not in your hand.