Today is splash day. Every wednesday is splash day, at Ethan and Jocelyn’s school during the summer.

Which means that in the morning, we put them right into their swimsuits so they can go and get right to the splashing when they arrive.

I got Jocelyn into her swimsuit and then went to check on Ethan, who was reported to be running around with his jammy shirt on and nothing else.* So I popped in his room where he was playing with his wooden train set (I have to qualify, because my god we have so many freaking train sets in this house), still half naked.

“Time to get your swimming suit on!”

“I don’t want to wear my swimming suit.”

“But then you won’t be able to play in the water. It’s SPLASH DAY!”

“I don’t want to splash. I don’t want to go back there EVER AGAIN.”

“You’ll miss out on all the splashing fun!”

“I’m ONLY going to have fun at the BEACH.”

(I’ve been preparing them for our upcoming trip to the beach. Perhaps I’ve overdone it.)

I sat down on his bed and tried a myriad of questions to try to figure out if there was some reason for his not wanting to participate in the splashiness. I tried to reason with him, that even though he had on his swimsuit, he didn’t have to get wet – he could just go play in the sand, but he was having none of it. He was very defensive in his talking, so no reasons were forthcoming, and when I thought about it, I wondered, “Who are we to force him to participate in the splashing?” So after consulting with James, I told him it was fine, he could pick out some clothes to put on.

“But I’m going to put your swimsuit in your backpack in case you change your mind.”

He stopped dead in his tracks, stared me straight in the eye, and said, “I am never, never, never, never, never, NEVER going to change my mind.”

Well then.

The whole thing is a little worrying to me because if something happened to cause all this non-splash-day-excitement, I want to know about it.

* The other day Ethan was mid-getting dressed and was thus, naked, and he ran from our room to his room, and realized that his penis was bouncing to and fro. He stopped short, and alerted James, who had just come up the stairs, “My penis is RUNNING Daddy!” and then proceeded to run around some more to show him.

– amy drinks diet coke topped off with a wee bit of root bear.

Clicked over to this article on soya from LeahPeah’s, and am now very very freaked out.

Jocelyn has been intolerant to milk protein since she was an infant. I had to cut dairy and all milk proteins out of my diet when I was breastfeeding her. When breastfeeding ended, soy was the obvious next choice.

He calculated that babies fed exclusively on soya formula could receive the oestrogenic equivalent, based on body weight, of five birth control pills a day.

Obviously the effects of the soy milk Jocelyn drinks today is less than the effect of when she was an infant.. She weighs more now and drinks about 9-16 oz a day rather than 24-30oz.

I know a lot of people will say, “Just because you read ONE ARTICLE does not mean you have to freak out. It does not mean they actually know what they’re talking about.”

And they’d be right. It doesn’t. But even the soy producers tout the hormones in soy milk as A GOOD THING. And it may be. I just don’t think I want hormones running around in my 2 year old daughter. Puberty has already scarily crept up on girls and boys at younger and younger ages over the years.
Just trying to find a light at the end of this tunnel. It just seems to coincide with my thoughts recently about how industrialization of food is a good way to turn things to shit.

Kind of a side tangent to all this. Last Saturday we went to the local farmer’s market and I felt all gung ho about buying locally etc. Until I spied a MANGO, and thought, gee. A mango? Here? and picked it up, turned it over and spied a sticker with a farm name and a “Product of Mexico” on it. So much for buying local.

Enough about that.

We go on vacation in 4 days and I’m kind of starting to panic. James keeps pointing out that we need to pack and I resist, but finally it’s sunk in – um.. we’re going somewhere and we need to PACK. For 2 children. Clothes, soap, bath toys, shampoo, diapers, toothbrushes, pillows, blankies, pookie bears and Baby, bed rails, and maybe a pack and play (we still have it -SHEW!) and OMG the BEACH – camp chairs, and beach toys and beach towels and sun screen and swim suits and a wagon to haul it all to the beach with and hully gee I haven’t even gotten to the driving in the car for 8 hours part. Or my own need for underwear and deodorant and floss and flip flops.

It’s a good thing we’re going on vacation because I’m going to need one just from all the packing!

I had soy milk on the packing list. Now I’m wondering if I should take it off.

– amy is very good at running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.

I have been trying to steer away from the Little People CD we own of adults putting on cutesy voices to sound like children and singing the ABC song and Twinkle Twinkle, and well, you get the idea. I hate it with ever fiber of my being.

They Might Be Giants‘ kids album, NO! is always a hit, and it is a cd that doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out with a shrimp fork, but after a few zillion times, I get sick of even TMBG. (I also highly recommend their DVD, Here Come the ABCs)
Ethan has a few songs that he quite likes, one of them being Proud Mary although he and Jocelyn call it “Rolling on the River, Mommy, play Rolling on the River!” I play them an a capella version from an college compilation CD called, “Acapellagram” that a bunch of folks contributed to during my years at BYU. The Creedence Clearwater Revival version is liked, but not as well.

Early Beatles has been met with rave reviews, Yellow Submarine being a special favorite, as well as Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Fixing a Hole, and With a Little Help from my Friends.

Lady, by Lenny Kravitz is an old time favorite – every since we saw Sarah Jessica Parker dancing around in that Gap commercial, which Ethan dubbed, “The YEOW! Song! Play the YEOW song!” because in the chorus Lenny “YEEEEOW”s and it totally cracks him up. Jocelyn was just a baby then, and we used to dance around and sing it to her. My little lady!

Also a hit: The Distance, by Cake – the car theme totally gets Ethan. He will listen intently and then exclaim, “The starting line! Engines, mommy!” and “Empty tank! That’s a fuel tank!” When I play a song he really likes, he will want to hear it again and again, over and over until he knows all the words.

They both like Breakaway, and Since U Been Gone, by Kelly Clarkson, as well as Happy Boys and Girls by Aqua (of the I’m a Barbie Girl otherwise obscure band fame – what can I say, I love cheery techno). You can’t say I’m not about variety!

They also like Perry Como‘s Papa Loves Mambo.

And The Wonder Stuff covering Indigo Girls’ Closer to Fine (it was a b-side to the “Happy Now EP).

I’m saying ‘they’ but mostly the reviews are from Ethan. When asked, Jocelyn always always always asks for, “The Railroad Song, mommy, the Railroad song.” and I sigh and put on those atrocious Little People and their pedantic I’ve been working on the railroad.

And then I sing about Dinah as loud as I can, because the best audience in the world? Toddlers, baby. Toddlers.

There is a sad lack of U2, Indigo Girls, Ben Harper and Toad the Wet Sprocket, which I need to remedy. I also need to refurbish my collection with my missing non-children TMBG albums (holy &*#$ where did they all GO?!? Where are you FLOOD??) and I think it’s past time to own some Sheryl Crow.

any other suggestions?

-amy, whose hands are freakin’ freezing right now.

I am here to say, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Does YOUR child only eat 5 things total?

Mine did too.

I used to dream about those days when he was a baby and just learning to walk. I would sit on the couch and he would hang on and go down to the end, and then back to me and open his mouth up for a bite. Ahhh.. the good old days, when he would eat whatever I was, as long as it was mushy enough.

Well, that rapidly turned to crap. He got ultra picky between 18-24 months, and has only eaten chicken nuggets, scrambled eggs, yogurt, apples, and hot dogs ever since. We have had crying, fights, tantrums over getting Ethan to just TRY A BITE of something that wasn’t on The List, and I’m only talking about ME here. HE’S EVEN WORSE. Once he realizes that something is on the table, first he will say, “I’m not going to eat it. I’m NOT GIVING UP,” very matter-of-factly. (By the way, telling a child that “giving up” is something he shouldn’t do = NOT A GOOD IDEA.) The boy is just as stubborn as his daddy, and .. well. That’s pretty stubborn.

I have sat through many evenings of trying to get him to take a bite. I have read the books and the articles on babycenter.com and heard the theories. I know that you’re SUPPOSED to just offer him a wide variety, and let them eat what they choose. I’ve heard about making it a fun thing and giving lots of positive reinforcement when he DOES have a taste. I’ve seen Supernanny somehow manage to turn demon food throwing children into the best little eaters ever. It’s all well and good, but when you’re sitting there with the meal that you just spent time and energy making only to hear your son make barfing noises and holler, “That’s disgusting! I’m not eating it!” it’s enough to make you snap, and let me tell you, there have been times that I have definitely snapped.

All in all, many a martini has been consumed because of what goes down at the dinner table. Let me tell you my tactics, and give each one a stress rating.

1. Threats.

   I would send Ethan to time out for not at least tasting what was put in front of him. Unfortunately this only worked about 1 out of 5 times. I stopped doing it because it just did not work. He would cry at first, and then refuse to come back to the table, and then I’d have to send him to his room and it would all boil down to a big ugly mess.

   Stress factor: 4 martinis (high)

2. Positive Reinforcement

   This had a better success rate, when we could get him to take that first bite. Basically every time Ethan would have a bite, we would praise him, and count it. We would hold up a hand and list a finger with each bite, and keep it up to have a visual tally of bites. He would take a bite, and we’d make a little bing noise as the finger went up to count the bite and say, “ONE BITE! YAY! BIIIIIIING!” Then with the second bite, more of the same: “TWO BITES! AWLRIGHT! BIIIIIING!” and so on. We became cheerleaders for however long the meal lasted. This worked pretty well, but not all the time. If the food was too strange to him (you know, things like deli meat. Lil smokies. MASHED POTATOES. You can see why his pickiness would drive me over the brink of sanity, can’t you? WHO DOESN’T LIKE MASHED POTATOES! There was a time when he WOULDN’T EAT CHEESE THAT WAS WHITE! AAAAARRRRGH!) then he just would NOT try it, try as we might. We can’t give the positive reinforcement if he doesn’t actually HAVE that first bite.

   Stress factor: 2 martinis, however Tiredness factor: 5 pillows – this cheerleading shit wears you out.

3. More Threats

   We wised up to the fact that Ethan doesn’t actually mind time out that much. This is why for serious behavior infractions, we confiscate his beloved toys instead, and THEY go into timeout, usually until the next day. This isn’t done often, but if he makes bad choices at school, hitting, calling names, etc. and he gets sent to the office, something of his is put into time out – it’s very effective, and he has been doing so well in school lately. We also give him plenty of positive reinforcement, with a sticker every day for making good choices, and a sucker on Fridays if he’s had a good week.

   Just a week ago, he so ADAMANTLY refused to taste something, that finally after 20 minutes, I set the timer for 4 minutes and told him that if he didn’t have his two bites by the time the timer went off, his train was going into time-out. None of the ‘experts’ would probably condone this behavior, but I was tired of waiting. Now, six months ago, this never would have worked, and if he was younger, it definitely would not have worked as it’s kind of a more mature concept.

   True to form, he ate his first bite by the 1:30 mark. I sang his praises long and loud and when he realized that the food he was putting in his mouth did not, in fact, taste like I was secretly trying to poison him, the other bite went down before the 2 minute mark hit. He remarked “That was pretty good, Mommy,” AND ATE ANOTHER BITE, which I followed up with, “Do you want some more?”

   “No,” he said as he ran off to play.

   Oh, and the thing he was refusing to eat? WHITE CHEDDAR MAC AND CHEESE. Aunt Annie’s, no less. You can see why I go crazy. Hello. Yummiest thing ever.

   Stress factor: 3 martinis – I guess you have to find the threat that works. The more effective (without of course, going overboard) the more successful and less stressful.

This running off and refusing to eat even if he likes it, is pretty true to form for Ethan and our food escapades. He is that stubborn, that even though he will admit it’s good, he won’t eat anymore, just because he’s mad that he HAD to eat it in the first place. But gradually I’ve been seeing this mentality slip a bit, and even more in the last month or so. Sometimes I’ll point out, “Just imagine if you’d never tried yogurt (one of his favorite things ever) – you never know if you’ll like something unless you try it.” And if he decides he doesn’t like something, then I’ll just remind him that he doesn’t have to eat it all, just 2 bites.

So the cumulative effects of the past 2 and a half years are finally WORKING.

Yesterday James cooked up some hamburgers and morningstar farm patties on the grill. One was earmarked for me, leaving an extra that I thought we’d give to the kids.

Ethan, true to form, took one look and said, “I’m not eatin’ that.” I calmly and rationally said in as blase a tone I could muster, “You only have to have 2 bites, and then you can be done.”

Usually I give him the thing he doesn’t want first, and won’t let him have anything else until the requisite 2 bites are consumed. Then we have to wait the 5-10 minutes for him to sulk, try to dissuade us or talk us out of it before he finally will eat it. Afterward, he is usually very proud of himself, “DADDY! I ATE 2 BITES!” But this time I went ahead and put his cut up hot dogs in front of him with the 2 bites of fake hamburger along with it. Jocelyn was plowing through her hot dogs and I quickly gave some to her as well, which was received with little feedback, good or bad – she eats just about anything. If it’s in front of her, she’ll try it (KNOCK ON WOOD). We didn’t mention the food, but James and I watched him like a hawk as we chatted and ate dinner, and then I spied him stabbing his hamburger bite with a fork and I quickly kicked James in the shins.

Oh. My. God. Miracles DO happen! We both did the ‘stare’ that you do when you’re trying not to seem as if you’re staring but still don’t want to miss a second of what’s happening. We watched as he PUT THE BITE IN HIS MOUTH AND CHEWED. No arm twisting! No threats of taking toys hostage! I nearly passed out from the shock. And then, he ate his other bite. And THEN, he told me he wanted the REST OF THE PATTY.

HE WANTED MORE, PEOPLE. HE WANTED MORE! Seriously, a year ago today, I never would have thought this day could happen. The day that he would taste something new, and then FINISH the rest of it.

I was so happy I could have cried.

-amy is tentatively.. ecstatic. Now there’s a term you don’t hear every day 🙂

Jocelyn loves her pillow. It may be her favorite “lovey.” When we go in to get her, she will pick it up and carry it with her like a doll, she loves it so much. She has a myriad of stuffed animals and babies as well, some more beloved than others. Last night she slept with a Care Bear that has jingly bells inside it so that it makes a soft tinkling noise when it moves. So, this morning she was in our bed with her pillow and I got her all dressed and then went back into the bathroom to blow dry my hair. The box of wipes were sitting on the bed and of course when I came back out, she had it open and was prying a wipe out. I quickly said, “only one” and moved the box out of reach.

She grinned at me and picked up her bear. “Blow your nose.” she instructed the bear.

Then she put the wipe up to her nose and blew. “I blew my nose, mommy!”

Then she reached up to my nose. “Blow your nose, mommy, BLOW!” I obeyed.

Then she reached over to her pillow. “Blow your nose, pillow. BLOW! I blew my pillow’s nose! I blew my pillow’s nose!”

Project Brainwash is… well, the brainwave patterns are being sent out. Frequently. I am being very annoying with my, “RAD!” and “TOTALLY RAD!” and “WOW, TOTALLY RAD DUDE!” all the time, every time. I’m just the raddest (annoying) mom EVER.

So far Ethan has only responded with, “I wish you would quit saying that, Mommy.”

HOWEVER! Jocelyn is succumbing to the brainwave patterns QUITE NICELY.

“Total. Lee. WAAAD, mommy! Total! Lee! WAAAAD!”

I bet you’ve thought at one time or other, probably while watching someone’s sweet, young impressionable kid, how funny it would be to raise them always beleiving that “yellow” is called “blue” and vice versa, or some derivitive thereof. I know you have. We all have. It goes back to that inate desire to prey about the naive. My best friend in high school Emily babysat her neighbors’ kids once, and they were SO young and impressionable, she actually convinced that that when they grew up, they were going to be cows, and they had better start practicing how to graze and moo. Imagine being that mother pulling up, seeing your children milling around the front lawn eating grass and mooing.

This talent must have run in the family, because my other best friend Melanie, Emily’s younger sister, once convinced a somewhat naive sophmore girl that her (Melanie’s, not the girl’s) shoelaces had an electric current running through them. (The girl was … exceptionally gullible. I’ll refrain from using other terms.)

James recently was taking a psyllium pill (basically a fiber pill. check it out for your colon health!) when someone asked him what it does.

“Makes it so my shit doesn’t stink.” he blithely informed them. “REALLY?” they said, astonished. “No, dumbass, of course not.” he replied.

Everyone loves to con the gullible, and who isn’t more gullible than a young child. A sweet little child, like a blank chalkboard… just waiting for someone to come along and scribble all over it.

I’m all for conning the gullible, but programming of an innocent toddler with the “black is really white!” crap is just silly. Whenever anyone has said anything like that to me, I always thought to myself, “Yeah, that’s the stupidest idea EVER, dumbass. And SOOOO original.” Plus, you get a bit more defensive when it’s YOUR CHILD’S blank innocent slate that someone is wanting to scribble all over.

However, I have recently been trying to “program” my child.

That’s right.

I’m attempting to brainwash Ethan.

We recently went and saw the movie “Cars”. It was fantastic. Ways to make it even MORE fantastic? Take your 4 year old son who loves race cars. Watch him sit on the edge of his seat totally enraptured, sighing “Awesome!” in reverent tones every now and then, as the cars zip around the race course with the occasional smashup occurs (those are the parts he likes the best).

After we left the movie, I started project brainwash. I don’t know why it occurred to me. It just happened! Really! Everytime I heard him say “Awesome!” for something, I would agree. “Yeah, Awesome! TOTALLY RAD, DUDE!”

Because screw that “he thinks black is white and white is black, hee hee hee!” crap — i’m going for the GOLD baby. I want that 80s phrase to catch on AGAIN by more than just Wil Wheaton! Let’s shoot for the entire next generation*! A whole new crop of kids saying, “TOTALLY RAD MAN!”

HOW TOTALLY RAD WOULD THAT BE!!

Every time Ethan exclaims that something is cool or awesome, I agree with, “Yeah, TOTALLY RAD!” It’s only a matter of time before he starts to say it too, right?

I’ll let you know how it goes.

– amy walks like an egyptian.

ps: I’d like to thank miniAnn for messaging me on Friday with a breathless, “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! PLEASE TELL ME YOU FOUND YOUR KEYS! I HAVE TO KNOW NOW EVEN THOUGH I’M STILL READING AND WILL FIND OUT IF I JUST SKIP TO THE END, TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME**” – for totally, completely making my day 🙂 You too Krys!

* this unfortunate, but necessary use of the words “next generation” in the same sentence as “Wil Wheaton” was sadly, unavoidable. I humbly apologize and promise never to do it again.

** retelling of message may have been exagerated for dramatic effect. yeah. like you don’t do it on YOUR blog.

We headed into Manassas around 6pm on the 4th of July to see what sort of shindig they were throwing. The fireworks didn’t start until 9pm, and by then we planned to be back home with the little ones in bed. They’re too young for fireworks anyway, the noise would likely scare them too much.

So we just went into town to see what was up. It was at the pavilion with the train caboose, which is always a hit with the kids even with nothing else, so we knew they’d have fun. We were still at home, getting ready to go when a thunderstorm hit, but we decided to go anyway, counting on the storm passing quickly. It gave the kids an excuse to wear their rain boots and carry their umbrellas, something which I beleive they dream about secretly and never actually get to do, so they were tickled pink, Jocelyn especially. Ethan was too, but he contains it better now, where Jocelyn shouts her glee to all the world.

We arrived, and started heading to the moon bounce, Ethan with me, and Jocelyn with James. We went through a parking lot full of booths and trailers selling various food items and hawking random goods and Ethan and I were a ways ahead of James and Jocelyn. I looked back to find them and saw the pair of them standing facing a trailer selling hotdogs and lemonade. EVERY person inside was sticking their head out the window looking and talking to Jocelyn. Her umbrella is yellow and black (it goes with her bumblebee camp chair) and her rain boots are pink and blue with little eyes and antennae sticking up on the toes, and she takes great glee in finding a puddle and then jumping right smack in the middle of it. All the hot dog folks were oohing and awwwwing about how darling she was with her cute umbrella and rain boots. She took in in stride as her due (I’m so PRETTY!) and probably made that shy-and-oh-so-cute face back at them. This seemed to be the theme of the event everywhere we went. Jocelyn and Ethan getting all the “AWWWWWW, how CUTE!” comments wherever they went in their rain boots and umbrellas. Ethan’s boots are blue and white striped, and his umbrella is red with black polka dots on it, with eyes and antennae for a lady bug (it goes with his lady bug camp chair).

They had fun in the moon bounce until it got too crowded and scary, then we went and took a ride on a trailer pulled behind a tractor, which Ethan declared many times, “AWESOME!” saw a fire engine and a load of policemen and women (some on MOTORCYCLES), but Ethan never wanted to go talk to any of them. Ethan and James watched the rock climbing on a big climbing wall that was erected.

Mostly folks were staking out their “spot” with blankets, coolers, camp chairs to watch the fireworks that would be displayed later that night, but we had fun and then left for home where the kids passed out immediately on going to bed.

I wish we’d brought our camera.