I’m going to be whiney now, just so you’re forewarned. If you don’t feel like nodding your head, muttering “uh-huh .. that sucks..” and pretending to play the world’s smallest violin behind your back, then feel free to move on.

I have to totally sympathize with my friend Chris about the suckage that is auto repairs. James’ car went into the shop yesterday because the window doesn’t roll down, and his engine light (according to him) has been going on and off for years. We knew the damage wasn’t going to be good, and yes, saying goodby to $850, while it isn’t the say as sticking a hot poker in your eye socket, I think that it may come close. This coming on the tail of spending $450 on MY vehicle earlier this month. Fuckity fuck.

It’ll be nice to actually roll the window up in his car, though. Comes in handy in the brisk wintery air. Also when you’re toodling through a drive-through window be it food or bank related.

So, remember the big thug of illness that was waiting to take me out last week? I managed to keep him at bay, never really getting sick. Instead, I just got a canker sore in my mouth that started out ok, because it’s WAY up where my gums meet the inside of my cheek, and really, it’s so far up that it doesn’t really hurt much, until THIS week, when it feels like all my teeth are going to fall out, and when I run my tongue along the cankery cankerness, it feels like it’s 1/4 of an inch long. I remember when I was a kid, my brother used to take rock salt and hold it RIGHT ON his canker sores to make them go away. Yes, it does help make them go away, BUT IT’S PUTTING SALT ON A WOUND AND IT KILLS. I’ve been gargling with hot salt water to help make it go away, and the first night I did it, James thought the noise I made was the death-gasp of a rapid beast.

Still, on the scale of illness, it is just a canker sore. So really, I’m not doing too badly. Except that I wrenched something in my back and it seems to affect every other muscle in my body including my ARM WHEN I TYPE. I type a lot, people. Sit at my desk at work and typity type type click click. That’s what I do. That’s a lot of pain. I’m glad I have the merciful muscle relaxers.

And now, here is the part where I really get all scroogey. You are all going to hate me and think I’m a heartless bitch who will deserve her place in hell when her time comes, and you’d probably be right. James and his sister have a black labrador that they have had since they were both in college. Sometimes my sister-in-law has her, and sometimes we have her. We have a dog-share, really. As the S-I-L is going to have a baby any minute now, we currently have the dog. Her name is Cydney. She’s getting on in years now, and she’s a very sweet, very obedient dog. She really is.

However, due to the single cup of food she gets each morning and again at night, she feels she has to scavenge for food on her own in between these times. She has this insatiable hunger which causes her to do things that no sane dog would do.

Like,

• root through my purse because she can smell the pack of gum in it, get it out, gnaw off the outside wrapper, and eat the gum (paper wrapper still on).
• Eat food off the table that I’d just prepared, while I am in the bathroom, NOT FIVE FEET AWAY.
• Eat any food, or anything resembling food off the counter if it is left out. Including bananas, with most of the peel.
• Eat cat shit out of the litter box. (!!!)
• Eat used diapers. (!!!)
• Eat used sanitary napkins. (!!!!!!!!!)

Of course, when she eats all this random shit, like the diaper innards that she consumed on Tuesday, she gets sick and vomits it back up. I tell my husband that we’re never getting new carpet because what would be the point? It would just get ruined by either vomit, piss, or cat scratching. Last night she stealth vomited. I was sitting on the couch working all day long, I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came back there was vomit under the table next to the couch. James cleaned it up because at this point, unless it’s going to be hours until James can do it, I am not cleaning up vomit. He tried to use his super forensic powers to determine WHAT she ate THIS TIME, because there was no tale tell evidence to give us any clues, but to no avail. Mystery vomit. Yay.
The cats also drive me crazy. All they do is hang around all day, pee in the laundry, or my bathroom rugs, or on my son’s backpack, or anywhere that there is material/cloth on the floor, and meow and get RIGHT IN MY WAY as I’m trying to get something done. Trinity is the primary antagonist. Friday scratches the shit out of the carpets, especially on the stairs where they are essentially ruined, though Trinity helps out in that area also. I think Agfa is the only kitty innocent of these crimes in my household, and for that, I love her. The others are free to a good home. Or not so good home. Just get them out of mine. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a laundry room floor that’s nice and clean and not ALWAYS skittered all over with litter. I dream of not having to scoop someone elses’ shit out of a gravelly box. I dream of not having to COVER UP someone elses’ shit because instead of covering it up, they throw litter over the side of the cat box instead.

I remember when I was little and I or my siblings would beg my parents for a cat or dog. My father of course, would always say, “Ask your mother.” and my mother would always say no. She must have caved in sometimes, because we did have 2 kittens when I was little, and an older cat (one of the kittens) and various dogs when I was older, but I still remember her reasoning, when we’d beg her. They make a mess, they ruin furniture and carpeting, and she will end up being the one who takes care of them.

It sounds familiar. I didn’t realize she was right, back then, but she was right all along. Oh yes. When our house is finally rid of animals.. I promise, there won’t be any others coming in in a long, long time.

The dog doesn’t belong to me, but anyone care for a cat or two?

I’m actually in a fairly good mood today, but I just had to get all that out.

– grumpy ms. grumperstein hollers at you to STAY OFF HER LAWN, DAMMIT.