.. parenting wise. This will be one of those posts where the truth of parenting comes out, although I like to think I’m pretty truthful about it all the time, when I think about the kids/parenting type entries I’ve written on here, I don’t think I’ve written about the really hard days that come with being a parent. So just in case you think it is always golden sunshiney rainbows over here at the Panders residence, and parenting and children just come with the territory and birds sing and dress us in the morning, IT SO FUCKING ISN’T, AND THEY DON’T, AND SOMETIMES IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS. It would just go to show, that within a week of TWO people telling me, “You’re a good mom.” all casual and blase (and no lightning hit them!) that my children decide to turn into demons that wrack the whole patient motherhood thing that I had going on. Because in my opinion, it really is all about patience and not losing your cool. Not losing your cool when you have to tell Ethan 30 times at the auto show to stay right by mommy instead of doing what you WANT TO DO and lose it and blow up and holler and yell and then lasso him so that he won’t disappear from your side. And while we’re at it, muzzle or gag him in some way. Oh, and while we’re at it, I want a pony.

Today I lost it and hollered and yelled. And even spanked, which is something I Do Not Do. That’s not to say that if you spank your kids you are evil, I just personally don’t think that it is the best solution, and for me, when spanking is involved, it means that *I* have lost it, and the parent should never lose it when dealing with their kids. That way danger lies.

Ahh, so now that I’ve told you how bad a mother I am and how I’ve broken my holy covenant with myself on No Spanking Ever, I’ll tell you more about the day. Maybe it’s because it’s over and I’m no longer in it that it doesn’t seem as bad, but I know it was bad, while it was going on, because the frustration and irritation and HELPLESSNESS pressed down on me so hard today that tears came, at least twice that I can remember. It’s one of those days where you just wonder why having kids was a good idea, you know, EVER, FOR ANYONE and you’d much rather leave them on a doorstep somewhere and go fly to somewhere warm and filled with no responsibilities and drink frufru drinks with umbrellas. Ahhhhhhhh…

Sorry. I went to my Happy Place for a minute. I’m back now. By the way, go put Coupling (BBCA) on your Tivo, cause it’s good. I’ll wait.

So Ethan was sick earlier this week, with a fever that Would Not Go Away, and so he was pampered pretty thoroughly, as is any sick kid’s right to be pampered. The after effects however, well, they’re not fun. He’s adopted a pretty sassy attitude, and when usually it’s nipped in the bud with a firm warnings and follow-throughs (we tell him, “That’s 1,” and when he gets to 3, it’s time out.), he decided that he didn’t have to do what I told him, including going to time out.

Add on top of that, Jocelyn, my angel girl who when I think about how many tantrums Ethan had at her age, I marvel that she belongs to us.. could our genes have produced such a nonchalent, easy going little girl? The mind boggles.. Well, the other shoe dropped. All of a sudden, she will start whining and pitching a fit to get what she wants, which is a natural consequence of her getting what she wanted all the time by “UH UH UH UH”ing and pointing. It’s finally clicked in her mind that if she fusses, she’ll get what she wants, and the more the fuss, the faster what she wants will be obtained.

So, EVERY LITTLE THING. I swear, every two minutes, she’ll start hollering and whining, “UH UH UH UH UH!! NOOOOOOO!” and often throw herself on the floor in tears if whatever object she wants isn’t handed to her within 2 seconds. Breakfast was a prime example, I thought, what fun it would be to make waffles.. which used to be a staple around our house on the weekends, and was always lots of fun with kids helping and whatnot, but it was the breakfast from hell. Jocelyn demanding everything at the maximum volume possible, and Ethan trying to outdo her and get my attention. At one point, Jocelyn is screaming, and I’m trying to reason with her and get her to ask nicely, and Ethan is trying to show me something started random siren noises while holding something right in my face and I thought my head was going to explode.

That was just breakfast.

After breakfast, I took the kids to Lowe’s, to buy paint (we’re painting a room in the basement that was recently finished by our contractor) and to Target to get a birthday present. I knew I should have had the color all picked out before I went there, because mulling over paint colors with two tantruming, and COMPETING toddlers is just not fun. Not fun for me, not fun for other customers, just plain not fun. Jocelyn pulling her stunt at least once every five minute period which required me to say, calmly and collectedly, “Jocelyn, what is it you want? Use your words, say please.” about A ZILLION TIMES TODAY has just about driven me to the brink of insanity.

Thank god for vodka.

The spanking happened at lunchtime. Ethan is a very picky eater. He decides he does not like something, and then doesn’t eat it, even if he has never tasted it before. So we have a pretty good rule that he has to have a taste of it, and then he can have something else. Well, we had some chicken noodle soup for lunch, and he instantly would not say a word, and when I told him he had to have a taste of the noodles in order for me to get him seomthing else, he didn’t even say anything, he laid, tummy down, on his chair with his head hanging down toward the floor. Long story short, he started to cop his attitude with me which I wasn’t about to tolerate, and when I told him to go to timeout, he shouted, “NO I DONT HAVE TO!” and various related thoughts at me. The whole ugly scene finished with me hauling him up to his room and spanking him pretty thoroughly. Then I went downstairs and tried not to cry.

The rest of the day went a bit better. After (a non-sleeping) naptime, we went to our neighbor kid’s 2 year old birthday party at the Little Gym, which was exhausting, running around making sure no one broke their skulls, but in the good way when they’re running, playing and having the time of their lives. I was especially amused when the playtime was over, and the eating of pizza and cake took place. Jocelyn is our good eater, and Ethan is our picky picky eater, and the roles were definitely reversed. Ethan ate most of his pizza, and kept running over to the food table for vegetables, including cherry tomatoes, which he thought were grapes. The look on his face when he ate one was priceless, and he unceremoniously dumped the rest of them on my plate as he said, as if I had tricked him, “THESE ARE TOMATOES!!” Jocelyn loves tomatoes, and pizza, but had maybe 2 bites of everything, telling me, “No, mommy!” quite insistently whenever I offered her anything. She got over it when cake time rolled around.

There is one good thing about today (besides the vodka and the fact that the 2 kids are in bed), and that is I lost a little over 3 pounds this week. And when I was getting dressed this morning, I glanced at my skinny jeans, thought, why not? And they fit, not perfectly, but tolerably well – well enough to wear today. It sucked though, because I popped out of bed at an ungodly hour thinking, “I’ll go to the EARLY weight watcher’s meeting!” which I thought was at 7.30. Which is when I arrived. And is also when it actually ENDED. Bugger bugger bugger. It kind of pissed me off, and probably set the tone for the whole day. I think I’m going to stop going to WW meetings for a while. I hate getting up on saturday mornings, and I think I do the same whether I go or not, so we’ll see. I can always start going again if I want.

I should probably go downstairs and help paint. Yay. Paint fumes. I hope my nose doesn’t revolt.

– amy should have picked the blue pill.